What is "co-regulation"?
If you look up “co-regulation” online, you’ll probably get a very word-y definition that doesn’t make a ton of sense. But, some #relatable examples of co-regulation make it easier to grasp.
For example, if I work a looOong day, drive home (maybe experience some road rage), can’t find a parking spot, get into my apartment, only to have my partner look at me and further key me up by saying something along the lines of “What do you mean you couldn’t find a spot? Where’d you park? You’re probably going to get a ticket!” Well, if that was said to me, I’d more than likely lose my shit at that point. My heart would probably be beating out of my chest and my eyes may even start to water because - how absolutely shitty is it when our loved ones don’t meet us where we need to be met?
Alternatively, if I come home to have my partner look at me and say, “oof, looks like you had a hard day. What can I get you? Do you want something to eat?” (He typically does a good job at sensing when I’m “hangry” :-)) This is certainly preferable. How absolutely lovely is it when someone hears your distress, validates it, and meets you where you’re at? Here we have an example of co-regulation.
The caveat here is that in order for my partner to be able to meet my chaos with calm, he has to be practicing his own self-care and showing up for himself as it’s very hard to “co-regulate” with patience and empathy when we aren’t doing so with ourselves.
What does making time for oneself even look like? It may look like practicing intentionality or mindfulness and combatting our tendency to be disengaged. For example, when I’m not actively practicing mindfulness, I might wake up in the morning and immediately grab my phone. It’s become such a habit that I don’t even realize what I’m doing nor why. In an effort to be more present and more equipped to regulate my emotions, I started practicing a new habit where every morning I do a quick body scan… Did I clench my jaw all night? How do my shoulders feel? Am I hungry? I allow myself to acknowledge any distress and consciously give those areas some extra love by way of some targeted yoga moves. If I don’t have time for yoga as soon as I wake up (as many of us do not), I contain those stressors and make a plan to carve out time at some point in my day to address them. In the event I wake up feeling good, it’s also important I allow myself to acknowledge that pleasantness. Having had this time, I’m going to be more attuned to myself throughout the day than if I had woken up and succumbed to my disengaged habit.
Furthermore, I always eat when I’m hungry. I know my body well enough to know that when I skip a meal, I’m not very patient nor empathic. When I’m hungry, it’s difficult for me to be the person I want to be. We can’t keep denying our bodies its basic needs and then wondering why we’re on edge. If I try to skip a meal because I’m too busy, I’m not going to react the same to someone’s else’s needs because I’m simply too busy thinking about cinnamon raisin bagels!
The idea of co-regulation is not just for adult relationships. From the time we’re infants, we’re picking up on other people’s stressors. When our caregivers rock us back and forth, maybe our heads are on their chest and we hear the heartbeat of our caregiver. If that heartbeat is anxious or distressed, baby picks up on that. Our bodies are designed to keep us safe, but when we attach to an anxious caregiver, we may find our bodies grow up looking out for danger - even when there isn’t anything physically there. Thus, to all my superhero caregivers, if you’re saying “no, I don’t have time for myself because I’m too busy taking care of my kids.” We need you to make time. Some time. Know that 5 minutes of your day where you dedicate yourself to doing something that brings you peace is better than 0 minutes. Making time isn’t selfish. In fact, it’s a win-win as it’s modeling for children that they too can make time for themselves. Perhaps they’ll learn that they can take a nap when they’re tired and not that they have to push themselves and deny their body its needs.
Whatever relationship you’re in, it’s important to practice co-regulation and hold space for yourself as well as others. To do this in a just and healthy fashion, both parties need to take care of themselves. It’s not possible to pour from an empty cup and it’s not fair for you nor others to ask you to do so.